Synopsis

Two black men are in a psychiatric hospital. Troy Smith is Protestant (African Methodist Episcopal or AME). Stephen Flowers is Catholic, but he used to be AME. While watching television together in the hospital lobby, Troy brings up religion—“Are you saved?”—and the pair wind up discussing the merits of female clergy because women are not ordained in all faith communities; women are ordained in the AME Church. Outsiders might consider them “crazy” because of where they are. The only things these patients are crazy about are God and equality in the selection of ordained clergy.

Cast of Characters

Stephen Flowers:
A black Catholic man, middle age

Troy Smith:
A black AME man, middle age

Scene

There is one scene: There are five chairs in a psychiatric hospital lobby arranged in front of a television at center stage. The characters occupy two chairs. They are there to watch television, and a theological conversation ensues.

Time

Present day

SETTING:

We are in the lobby of a psychiatric hospital in Anywhere, USA, where Troy Smith joins his fellow patient, Stephen Flowers, to watch television. The patients occupy any two of the five chairs center stage. It is optional to have a small television that sits low enough down stage to allow the audience to see the actors. Nevertheless, the set consists of two men, each in chairs, watching television—a simple set. There’s a table or tray next to Stephen, where he places the TV’s remote.

AT RISE:

Stephen is watching television for a few seconds, clicking the remote, when Troy walks in from stage left and takes a seat.

ONE ACT

STEPHEN
(Changing channels on TV with the remote.)

I don’t want to see any Bette Davis. Alfred Hitchcock? No. In the Heat of the Night. I can live with this.

(Starts singing the theme.)

In the Heeeeet of the Nighiiiiit!

TROY
(Walks in from stage left and takes an open seat.)

Hey, man. Whatcha watching?

STEPHEN
In the Heat of the Night.

TROY
(Starts singing the theme.)

In the Heeeeet of the Nighiiiiit!

STEPHEN
(Laughs)

I’m Stephen. Stephen Flowers.

TROY
I’m Troy Smith, man. What are you in the nuthouse for?

STEPHEN
My psychiatrist is switching my antidepressant. She wants me supervised during the transition. It’s because I joked with her about suicide. What landed you here?

TROY
I’m bipolar. My wife called my psychiatrist after we had an argument. The doctor recommended I come here for a few days. She’s going to change one of my meds.

STEPHEN
Let me get this straight. You’re here because of an argument with your wife.

TROY
Well, it was a BAD argument.

STEPHEN
What did you do?

TROY
We argued over how little intimacy we have. She wouldn’t drop it. I said, “Shut up!” Then I called her the B-word.

STEPHEN
The B-word? You’re way out of line. Then what happened?

TROY
She said, “Who do you think you’re talking to, niggah?” Then she walked up to me and punched me in the face. And I’M the one who got sent here. She’s the crazy one. But I’m the one who got sent here. But I did cross the line.

STEPHEN
Yea, you went a mile over the line. You deserved to get popped. You’re lucky you didn’t get cut.

TROY
I said I was sorry. But that wasn’t enough. She called my psychiatrist. You know the rest of the story.  I didn’t disagree. She’s going to come here and check on me. This is my first time inside.

STEPHEN
I understand, man. Welcome to Crazy-land. I guess they don’t call it that anymore. This is my first sentence, too.

TROY
Let’s watch the show.

STEPHEN
All right. Let’s watch the show.

(They look at the screen for a few seconds.)

TROY
Let me ask you something.

STEPHEN
Shoot.

TROY
If you were single, would you do Ms. Tibbs? Or maybe Luann?

STEPHEN
I’d go on a date with both of them. Not at the same time. That’s not Christian.

TROY
You’d date them separately. One date each, just in case an intimate moment arises. I’m the same. I’m partial to Ms. Tibbs though.

(Pause.)

I have another question.

STEPHEN
What is it?

TROY
Are you saved?

STEPHEN
I am saved, Troy. But do you realize we just went from lust for actors to God? What does that say about us?

TROY
It says that we’re in the right place.

STEPHEN
Probably. But I am saved, Troy.

TROY
That’s good; so am I. Where do you go to church? My wife, Tonya, and I go to Calvary AME Church. That is, when we’re getting along.

STEPHEN
My wife, Helena, and I go to the Cathedral.

TROY
Cathedral? (pause) Sooooo (pause) you’re Catholic.

STEPHEN
That’s right I’ve been Catholic for 23 years. I used to be a Protestant. I was AME, in fact. I’m a convert [CON-vert].

TROY
Catholic, huh?

STEPHEN
Yes.

TROY
Do you have a Bible, Stephen?

STEPHEN
Of course.

TROY
Do you Catholics read it much?

STEPHEN
We read Scripture in Mass. And we read it at home. We probably read more Scripture in church than you do.

TROY
I don’t know whether Catholics are Christians.

STEPHEN
What did you say to me? Do I need to bring your wife in here to deal with you?

TROY
No offense, but you guys replaced Jesus with a Pope. You put Mary above Jesus. I don’t know what the Hell you’re doing. I don’t think Catholics know what the Hell they’re doing. (Pause) No offense.

STEPHEN
Well, you’re wrong! If you’re going to come in here trashing the Pope and the Virgin Mary, I don’t want to share a TV room with you. Shut up.

TROY
You’re huffy because I’m right. Where in the Bible does it say the Pope is higher than Jesus?

STEPHEN
The Pope is NOT higher than Jesus. The Pope is a successor of the disciple Simon Peter. And before you start on Catholics not being Christian, Peter was a Christian. That means the whole church is Christian. Don’t start up. Listen to me. I am in the psychiatric hospital. My nerves are very bad. You just ruined Heat of the Night. I ought to call your wife and have her punch you again. You’re starting to sound like you belong here.

TROY
Yea, she called the psychiatrist on me. We Protestants don’t follow Peter. We follow Jesus. You have too much stock in the Pope. The Pope doesn’t replace our Savior.

STEPHEN
Peter followed Jesus, too. So, the church that Christ created through him follows Jesus as well. Why do you think Jesus is on our Cross? The Pope is NOT God.

TROY
I have a problem with Catholics making Mary the center of the universe. God is. Mary is not.

STEPHEN
Hey! Mary is God’s Baby Mama. Have some God damned respect!

TROY
Well, you should be praying for better priests. Because a lot of your priests like to touch kids.

STEPHEN
Here we go!

TROY
I’m saying that while you Catholics are praying, you should pray for the children that your priests messed with.

STEPHEN
Well, I won’t disagree with you on this one. Priestly sexual abuse has been going on for a long time. Bishops have been shifting priests around instead of turning them over to the police. It’s disgusting. The church has paid millions in damages. But money is not enough to heal the wounds.

TROY
A lot of the survivors are boys. Is this a gay thing?

STEPHEN
No, it’s not a gay thing. It’s a pedophile thing. Pedophiles can be straight. Actually, I bet MOST pedophiles are straight. I’m not going to get into the gays, but I’m telling you: Most pedophiles are probably straight. It’s sick and twisted no matter who does the dirt.

TROY
OK, we can skip the gays. But, for now, what are you doing about priests abusing children? How is the church addressing this scourge?

STEPHEN
Paying damages, firing priests, and turning over the lists of accused molesters to authorities. That’s what’s happening now. Still, there is ONE thing the church could consider, but it will never happen.

TROY
Oh, this I’ve got to hear. What’s the solution to priests abusing kids? What’s one concrete step that the Catholic Church can take?

STEPHEN
Screen these guys more carefully and ordain women.

TROY
I’m cool with that. So, you want to ordain Catholic women?

STEPHEN
I believe it’s a good start. It may not be the whole solution, but it’s a step in the right direction. That’s why I say ordain women in the Catholic Church.

TROY
How did you come to this conclusion? And why does the Catholic Church ordain only men? I agree with you, by the way. Your church should ordain women. There are some Protestant churches that ordain women. The AME Church does.

STEPHEN
Today’s Catholic priests are the apostolic descendants of Peter. There were other disciples, of course. And all the disciples were men. So only men can be priests. I suppose ordained deacons are the apostolic descendants of the original seven male deacons.

TROY
You have a problem with that, eh?

STEPHEN
Yes, I do.  If a woman can give birth to our Savior, then a woman can be ordained a priest or a deacon. Of course, MOST Catholics are not with me on this one. Most Catholics are appalled by my idea. But that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it. Women should be Catholic priests. Women are not inferior. Women are qualified—as Christians—with the brains and the wisdom to do the job. And, yes, we are Christians.

TROY
I don’t follow the men-only priest thing. I also don’t know why the Catholic clergy is required to be celibate. I think clergy can have one spouse and still be devoted to Christ. How does that sit with you?

STEPHEN
Well, all priests and unmarried deacons are supposed to be celibate. I don’t have a problem with celibate priests. Even if women were ordained, I’d have no problem with them being celibate. I just think that the time has come to knock off these phony theological arguments barring women from being priests. I’m sure there are sisters, who are already celibate, who would make excellent priests. If a woman can be a nun, then she can be a priest if she wants to be. Being a priest should not be theologically impossible for a woman.

TROY
You’re wasting your breath. But you’re right.

STEPHEN
A woman wiped Jesus’s feet with her hair. A woman was the first one whom the risen Lord appeared to. Jesus came into the world through a woman. There’s no reason a woman should not be ordained. I’m glad some Protestant faiths ordain women. I believe what I believe. No woman should be disqualified from the priesthood because she is female. The Roman Catholic priesthood is an exclusive men’s country club. The priesthood operates above, beyond, and out of the reach of the people it preaches to. They’re an untouchable secret society. That’s why child abuse crept in. Nobody was watching these guys when they were exposed to children. The priesthood is kept untouchable, unaccountable, and unsupervised.

TROY
Thus, ordaining women—besides being the right thing to do—would curtail sexual abuse of children. Is that what you’re saying?

STEPHEN
Think about it. How many women abuse kids? Not that many. Plus, if women were priests and deacons, they would blow the whistle on men who abuse children. Let me ask you this: How much stuff can you do without your wife knowing about it?

TROY
You’ve got a point. I know Tonya called the psychiatrist on me.

STEPHEN
Quit with the psychiatrist. Trust me, women watch everything we do. And they’re in our heads. If you even THINK about cutting up, you think of your wife. In your case, you think of the violence she would inflict. I’m telling you, man, WOMEN WATCH MEN. Male priests wouldn’t get away with anything with female priests working alongside them.

TROY
You are right about women.

STEPHEN
There you have it. Wives—and ALL women—are on the ball. There should be women running some things. The church would be safer for children. And the church would no longer be a men’s club operating above, beyond, and out of the reach of the people it preaches to. Women should enter the priesthood if they are qualified in all other respects. Their sex shouldn’t be an impediment anymore. Child abuse would be curtailed because women would be keeping an eye on the men. And women wouldn’t do that dirt themselves. Imagine denying women the right to vote because that’s the way it was when the republic was founded.

TROY
So, the Catholic Church should ordain women.

STEPHEN
Ordain women! You don’t need a penis to be a priest.

TROY
I guess there are a lot of priests in confession for child abuse, but confession is not enough.

STEPHEN
Some priests are just plain broken. I just don’t see how females are inherently defective. Ordain women. And make those pedophile priests share a cell block with Diddy. I’m sure the Pope is delighted that Diddy is getting headlines that Catholic priests used to get. Somebody else is taking the mantle of ALLEGED molester in chief.

TROY
Pedophiles are too deranged to be HERE. And we’re crazy!

When you’re too evil for this place, then burn in Hell.

STEPHEN
Correct.

TROY
I’ll admit women are better people. They should be Catholic priests just for being better people.

STEPHEN
Duuuuuh!

TROY
Yep, women do the right thing more often than we do.

STEPHEN
They’re better parents overall, too. How many women walk out on their children?

TROY
It happens the other way around a lot more often.

STEPHEN
Well, of course, it does. Women usually stick it out. We are, sometimes, the weaker parents. Not all the time, but sometimes.

TROY
I have two children, and they are turning out all right.

STEPHEN
Helena has two children by her first husband. They’re great kids. But we didn’t have children together. I never had children at all.

TROY
I couldn’t raise my kids without Tonya. Not a chance. She is an excellent mother and an excellent wife. She’s a walking saint. When she’s happy. I’ve got to keep her happy so she doesn’t call the psychiatrist on me again.

STEPHEN
Please stop talking about your wife calling your psychiatrist. Yea, man, deadbeat fathers belong in confession. Then they need to get their act together.

TROY
That’s right. Plus, if there IS a purgatory—and I don’t think there is one—Catholic leadership who resist ordaining women might wind up there. I think that’s your point. But if the Catholic Church ordains women, how will they find them? They have to recruit. They have to recruit better than SEC football. That’s a tall order.

STEPHEN
Start with the sisters. The nuns can do it. Keeping nuns out of the priesthood is more misogynistic than Gangsta Rap. Hardly ever are nuns accused of wrongdoing.

TROY
It’s the sort of horse-and-buggy thinking that robs Catholics of very bright and capable leaders. The AME Church doesn’t do that. We ordain women. I agree that nuns could do the job. If the Catholic leaders could wrap their tiny minds around equality, then everything could change.

STEPHEN
Is there even a downside to ordaining nuns? Of course not. Nuns turn on kids in a healthy and Godly way. Nuns don’t abuse children. Nuns in the Catholic schools just slap the kids around a little bit. Well, they did it for a long time. I don’t know about nowadays.

TROY
I don’t think there is anything wrong with discipline. I’ve heard that nuns are disciplinarians in Catholic schools.

STEPHEN
That’s fine by me. Listen. If your child is acting up in Catholic school, and a nun beats his ass, that’s part of the child’s education.

TROY
(Laughs)

In fact, Catholic parents pay a lot of tuition to get someone else to beat their children. Discipline used to be built into the curriculum in EARLY Catholic education. It wouldn’t hurt the little bastards to learn how to act.

STEPHEN
I think I know what makes nuns kick off on kids.

TROY
I don’t know, Stephen. What makes Catholic nuns so strict?

STEPHEN
It’s because they’re backed up.

TROY
Backed up against what?

STEPHEN
Troy, when you’re a woman who doesn’t have sex for a few years, you get backed up. You get agitated. You’re not in the mood to see kids throwing food and what not.

TROY
I see. They have quick tempers because they’re frustrated.

That’s the most ridiculous crap I ever heard. I’m Protestant, and I don’t believe that.

STEPHEN
I’m just saying.

TROY
You’re just saying idiotic things now. Is it time for you to take your medicine? You need your meds.

STEPHEN
No, I’m good.

TROY
I don’t think you’re good. Where’s a nurse? I’m going to tell one of these psychiatric nurses that you need help. You’re in the right place.

STEPHEN
Oh, you think I’m in the right place?! You’re the one who called his wife the B-word and got clocked. If anything, we BOTH earned a bed in this hell-hole.

TROY
We both earned our spot. Let’s just agree that women should be Catholic priests.

STEPHEN
Correct. The patriarchy hasn’t helped the Catholic Church. It’s injured it by keeping some of the brightest minds and most Godly people out of the clergy.

TROY
Agreed. I’ll shake on that.

(They reach over and shake hands on it.)

END